


Hurt Me

by Nadja_Lee



Category: X-Men (Comicverse)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt, F/M, Hurt, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2001-06-29
Updated: 2001-06-29
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:55:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22869703
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nadja_Lee/pseuds/Nadja_Lee
Summary: Darkness can show truths too
Relationships: Jean Grey/Scott Summers
Kudos: 3





	Hurt Me

**Author's Note:**

> Timeline: Set in the X-men comic universe. A little after Scott's return after his mingling with Apocalypse.
> 
> With thanks to Misty for keeping me writing with her gentle words and kind encouragement.
> 
> Dedicated to L. Burke who inspired this story (though I doubt it was this she had in mind *G*)

**Hurt Me**

Knowledge is not always a good thing, I know that now. What do you do when you suddenly hold the answers to questions you never dared to ask?

My life has been filled with pain from childhood; love was a harsh word or a fist, it was all I knew. How could I know that love could be anything else? You earn love, nothing is ever free.

Jean...she is my love, I'll do anything for her...I'll let her do anything to me; that is my love. Over the years I have seen her flirting with Logan or him with her...and done nothing though it cuts my heart like a knife has been stuck through it. Warren and her did the same...and I did nothing...again. There was Forge, even if it was brief...and again I did nothing. I bled, I hurt, I cried...I endured. There is even the special bond between Xavier and her...no matter how hard I work, what I do, she'll always be his number one. I told myself that it was alright because I loved her, that was why I let her hurt me, because of love. Now I know...I wanted her to. I needed to hurt to love...I needed to hurt to feel alive. That is the truth Apocalypse gave me, the insight his darkness gave me.

I remember an old Star Trek movie I once saw where Kirk says;

" I don't want to lose my pain. I *need* my pain."

And now I know...I need my pain too. I lost Jean but I found Madelyne...and she hurt me. Badly. Yet, I let her. Then Jean came back...and the two of them almost drove me mad...and I let them. I didn't say no, I didn't try to explain, say I needed time. I just let them hurt me...because I loved Jean...because I needed to feel...alive. I'm beginning to understand that it is the same reason why I let Logan and Jean flirt though it hurts me; I love Jean and with love there is pain; the stronger the pain, the stronger the love. It is absurd, my mind knows this but my heart does not. A small part of my mind, in a dark corner where I rarely wander...I wish she'll hurt my body as she do my soul and heart. It is a thought so.…..forbidden that I barely dare to think it yet it is true.

Jack loved me, I needed to believe that as a child and a part of me still need to believe that. And he showed it through his beatings; the greater the hurt, the greater the love. These are thoughts I wish I did not have. I don't want them, I don't need them. They confuse everything. I need something simple; I need Cyclops. He is simple; he is a hero, a leader, a X-man. He has no love, no hurt and no past. Maybe THAT is true freedom...yet then why do I feel trapped in his shadow?

My father and Alex...I love them...and they have both hurt me. Alex with his endless jealousy and dad….he was away for so long, barely a memory. The worst part wasn't his death; it was his return, that he lived. Death is simple and I don't fear it but life...Life is confusing and illogical. I remember a saying;

" It is life which demands courage...not death."

I think my history teacher in High School said it was rumored that the late Queen Marie Antoinette had said it before her beheading. Truer words have never been spoken. I gladly saved Nate in the belief I should die; I did not fear it. I wonder now...would I have done the same...had the choice been life...or love...instead of death...and pain?

I do not wish to even consider these things, I don't want to know how my mind works! Why do I have to know this? I feel...sick, twisted, alone...dirty...all wrong. Everything is so confusing in my mind. I know what I want, what I need...but I can't...I won't ask for it...because how do you ask for love by saying;

" Hurt Me?"

The End


End file.
